


Ironically Unironic

by noisykid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Incest, M/M, Masturbation, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Sibling Incest, Stridercest - Freeform, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 20:17:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12919476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noisykid/pseuds/noisykid
Summary: Bro pesters Dave on chat and gets him off in the process. Dave objects (but not really).





	Ironically Unironic

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this I don’t even know how long ago. No wait. I just checked. May 2012. I decided to dig through all the folders on my computer because I know I wrote a ton of porn and just never posted it anywhere because that’s just what kind of asshole I am. Anyway. This may have started as a skype conversation between a friend that I turned into a fic. Because I am a bad friend. Enjoy.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: what the fuck 

TG: is this some new trick youve invented to throw me off guard more than usual 

TG: sorry bro but im not seeing how this is ironic 

TT: I guess you don't get the intense levels of irony I'm operating on over here. 

TG: yeah well i dont see how kissing your little bro is ironic 

TT: It's okay lil' bro. I understand that it's hard for an novice irony instigator like yourself to understand the practically tectonic levels of irony converging over here. 

TT: Like these plates are all rubbing up on each other in a big incestuous irony orgy. 

TT: And while we're on the subject, your face was doing a pretty good impression of molten lava before. 

TG: ok im out of whatever shitty ironic game were playing here bro 

TG: this shit is not worth the mental trauma 

TT: Why? Am I striking a nerve here, lil' bro? 

TG: youve got nothing on me bro and you cant prove any of that shit 

TG: youre only doing this so you can suck me into one of your sick games 

TG: which by the way im not fucking playing 

TT: Except by talking to me now you're already participating in my "sick games". What is it? You got a super gay crush on your cool older bro, is that it? 

TT: You're being more obvious than a guy peeking through the window of the girl's change rooms. 

TT: Terrified of getting caught wanting something you know you can't have but unable to stop the hand tugging your pecker. 

TG: bro thats sick 

TT: So how do you want to play this, lil' bro? 

TT: You feign innocence as you ask me for kissing practise? 

TT: Or maybe I come into your room late at night and you can pretend you're asleep? 

TG: what the fuck bro 

TG: i dont want this 

TG: this is sick 

TT: I told you already, bro. You're fuckin' obvious. I don't even have to look at you right now to know just how bad you want me all up in your grill. 

TT: Just like before on the roof when I planted that big one on you. 

TG: shut up 

TG: just shut up 

TT: Stop being such a fucking pussy, Dave. 

TG: how am i? my own bro is telling me i want to fuck him 

TG: how is that not sick and twisted 

TT: So should I take that as your confession then? 

TG: what the fuck 

TG: its not going to get through your thick fucking skull is it 

TG: its like trying to get through to a brick wall 

TG: or a guy who is deaf dumb mute and also a brick wall 

TG: i dont want to want you bro 

TT: So is that "That's sick and I don't want you at all and never mind how cool and awesome you are, you're still my fucking bro" or closer to "That's sick and I want you but I don't fucking want to"? 

TG: ... 

TT: Come on, it's a simple question, Dave. 

TG: we shouldnt even be having this conversation 

TG: this is wrong and i shouldnt want this and fuck you because i know youre just screwing with me fuck you fuck you fuck you 

TT: Damn, bro. I didn't realize you had it for me so bad. Your own flesh and blood. Your own brother. Your fucking bro. 

TT: I sure as hell messed up when I raised you. 

TT: Then again, I must be fucked up too if I want to fuck my own kid brother into his mattress. 

TG: no no no no no no no 

TG: fuck 

TG: shut up 

TT: You're thinking about it now, aren't you? 

TT: My weight pressing down on you. 

TT: My hands in your hair. 

TT: My tongue in your mouth. 

TG: no fuck stop it 

TT: You hard, bro? Front of your jeans causing you problems there? You thinking about my palm cupping your junk? 

TG: bro no 

TG: im not going to touch myself thinking about you 

TT: But you want to. 

TT: Don't deny it. You're at least thinking about it. 

TT: Thinking about your older bro touching you. Hands all over your chest. One running up the inside of your shirt, over your sweaty skin. The other palming that trouser tent you're pitching. 

TG: fuck you 

TG: im not giving into whatever youre playing at here 

TT: Well, what exactly are you doing there, Dave? 

TT: Because by the looks of your right hand, it doesn't look like you're resisting all that hard. 

TG: ... 

TG: the fuck 

TG: where are you 

TT: Ha ha. Got you. 

TT: Real smooth there, bro. 

TG: ugh fuck you 

TG: now excuse me while you leave me to die in my shame like fucking always 

TG: im gonna go find a good rock to crawl under 

TG: or a boulder 

TG: or possibly a fucking train 

TT: Nah, not this time bro. 

TT: I want to talk you off. 

TT: You're already touching yourself so you might as well let me. 

TG: then fucking get on with it already 

TT: I'll understand if you just respond with keyboard mashing from here on out. 

TT: Anyway, so let me tell you exactly what I'd do if you were right here in front of me. 

TT: You're sitting there at your computer like you always do. Except I'm there behind you now. I've already got my hands up your shirt, and my hands are moving over your skin, nice and slow. One would probably inch up a little, maybe graze over your nipples. Maybe you'd make a noise, maybe you'd be clenching your jaw and not let yourself. 

TT: Probably the latter. 

TG: hngh 

TT: Yeah, that's what I thought. 

TT: So I'd move both hands up, rubbing my index fingers over those little dark nubs. And I'd feel you squirm. And you'd want to whimper but your teeth would be biting your lower lip. 

TT: And because I'd be behind you, my mouth would be close to your ear, close enough to flick my tongue out and catch your skin against it. But I wouldn't. Instead I'd whisper something. 

TT: "Damn, lil' bro. You're breaking out in a mad fever here. Maybe we oughta get rid of of this shirt of yours." 

TT: And then slowly, fucking slowly, I'd start to drag it up and off you. 

TT: Now it's like fucking dessert time at the white house because you're half naked and your skin is warm all over and flushed under my hands and I'd just want to look at you. Just give you the hardest once over you've ever had. And you'd get half shy half impatient and you'd probably stutter something stupid like, "F-fuck, Bro. Hurry up." 

TT: But I wouldn't. 

TT: Nah, not at first. 

TG: youre such a goddamn fucking tease you asshole 

TT: Yeah, yeah. I know. But your reactions are just too good. I'd just wanna eat it all up, like a fat-ass at Burger King wants to eat six double whoppers extra cheese with a six pack of onion rings on the side and then washes it all down with a diet cola. Except she don't want to savour that shit, bro. Not like I do. 

TT: So my hands would be moving up and down your front now, and my head would bend a little lower and my lips would suddenly latch onto that sweet little juncture where your shoulder and neck meet. And then I'd suck. And you'd probably gasp and jerk but I'd hold you still while my tongue practically lathes over your skin. 

TT: And maybe I'd leave a couple of marks. Just to remind you. 

TG: asdfgh fuck 

TT: And then after a while, my hands would start to trail lower, and I might give you a few sharp bites before trailing my tongue over the nape of your neck. 

TT: But that's just the whipped cream on your cake, bro, because my hands would be at the front of your jeans now, sliding over your hand on, thumb brushing against the zipper. 

TT: And I'd tease you. I'd be fucking relentless. Rubbing and cupping your junk until you were wetting up like a girl. Until I can see it coming through the denim. And your gasps would get so fucking needy. 

TT: "Fuck, please, come on. Please." 

TG: ah asdsdsdkjfhkaj bro 

TT: Ha ha. You getting desperate there, Dave? You getting close already? Haven't even unzipped your pants yet, dude. But don't worry. I'd be getting to that, because I'm a generous kind of guy. On the fourth "please", you'd lift your hips a little and then I'd push your jeans and underwear down around your thighs. 

TT: And then your dick would just be straining there for a minute. Throbbing against your stomach. 

TT: Except then I'd wrap my fist around the base and give it a slow jerk and your relief would be so thick it'd be practically palpable. Like sweat dripping down your skin. And by now you're basically speaking gibberish because you're just so fucking grateful that your older bro is gonna give you the sweetest fucking hand job of your life. 

TG:khfjdsfhgk 

TT: "Damn, Dave. You're leaking all over the place here. Have a little decency." And I'd be jerking you off now, my hand nice and tight around your throbbing junk - not really fast, but not exactly slow. Just steady. Up and down. And every so often I'd flick my thumb over the head and rub it into that weeping slit. 

TG: faster 

TG: please faster 

TT: I can't say no to that sweet pleading voice of yours. You really want this, don't you? You want this so bad. 

TT: And then my hand would start to move. Really move. It'd start to move faster and then soon I'd be fisting your dick, squeezing that rosy, throbbing tip with every pass upwards. 

TT: And I'd be watching your reactions in the reflection of your computer screen. Watching you arch and gasp and bite your lips. And I'd be pressing against you, breath hot against your ear. And you could feel the heat pouring off me, a quiet grunt as my arm strains with repetition. And you'd know just how turned on this was making me. 

TG: kfdjghlsdjfhglkshjdf fuck bro i dont think im gonna last much longer 

TT: Come on then, Dave. Don't hold back anymore. I'm working you hard and fast now. I want to make you come. I want to feel you tense up and stammer out my fucking name. I want to feel your entire body shaking with an orgasm that's tearing right through you. 

TG: jhdsksj fuckdhfkajdhskfa bro bro bro dirksfgs fuck fuckkkkkk 

TT: Oh yes, fuck, that's it. God fucking damn that's so fucking good.

When you can catch your breath you look down at yourself. Ugh. What a fucking mess. You think about wiping your hand on your shirt but hey, you actually fucking like this shirt and you probably should've thought about this before ... before what? Before your bro started making weird come ons at you and you'd shoved your jeans down faster than a whore at an ABA convention.

And now here you were, sitting with your own jizz dying on your stomach and fingers, watching your absolutely shame-faced reflection in the now dark screen of your computer. And then you begin to panic.

What if your bro _was_ just being ironic? Maybe this was just part of some sick game he was playing before? Maybe that stupid kiss was just his way of tricking you into doing something stupid. Something stupid like letting yourself finally acknowledge your "super gay crush on your cool older bro". _Fuck_.

Suddenly your computer chimes, letting you know that you've received a new pesterchum message. So you nudge the mouse with one of your knuckles, trying not to get your spunk all over it, and the screen brightens again. Suddenly you're not even worried how fucking uncool you probably look right now because you just can't stop grinning.

TT: Come up to the roof when you're finished up with that mess there. 

TT: Maybe we can unironically practise kissing. 

TT: Make up for that sloppy train wreck I sprung on you earlier.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]


End file.
